classmates

I finally joined classmates .com ...not really sure why i dont really have anything in common with those people any more..or with anyone for that matter.Oh what the hell maybe im just a little curious how everyone turned out,tell you the truth when i looked at the list of names i hardly recognized anyone ...my memories not that great sigh...i need to see old pictures ya know?

derealization,depersonalization

Whichever one you wanna call it,thats me.Do a wikipedia search on it.Finally i have a name for what ive been suffering with since 1986.
I was in Korea with the marine corps in 1986 and one morning i woke up feeling like i was still dreaming,like everything wasnt real. My vision was reduced to tunnel vision and it takes a real effort to concentrate on really seeing things that sucks huh?
After seeing a couple of docs and getting some strange looks I realized noone knew what the hell I was describing,so I started keeping my mouth shut and learning to cope with my new reality.Crap ..I was really scared I'd end up in an institution you know?Ive always had the feeling when you end up in one of those places they just medicate you so your easier to handle.
The first couple of year were a big adjustment period for me ,I developed a real speed problem because when i was using i felt about 80% normal like i could remember what it was like to really be connected to the real world,instead of feeling removed like I was watching a movie of my life and not really caring about the outcome. Life on amphetamines can take a big toll on you if you're not careful though,I always ate good and took vitamins, but eventually speed just made me sick every time I did it so I had to stop.Of course stopping meant i had to abandon all my tweeker friends and familiar haunts too so it was like starting my life over ,not an easy thing to do when holding on to reality meant sticking to routine and keeping up the appearance of normalcy when i always felt far from normal.
Yeah normal...shit I used to be able to remember what it was like...now its a distant memory, 20 years like this and barring a major medical breakthrough the rest of my life...sigh just gotta keep my chin up you know and keep doin what I do
Soo about 1992 I was forced to give up smoking weed because I had a series of major panic attacks,i thought i was really gonna lose it .That sucked because smoking weed gave me some relaxation from trying to keep up appearances. Its a struggle to appear normal all the time ya know?
Anyway these days I take Celexa for my anxiety and I have a bunch of Xanax just in case I get a panic attack I cant handle,Xanax isnt something you wanna get hooked on.. I know cause i researched addiction endlessly. Hell I've researched everything to death its kinda what I do lately.
Did i mention the overly analytical voice in my head?I mean it's my voice i'd probably be cooler if if was a weird voice telling me things,but no it's me constantly analyzing my mood,my body, my actions crap..it's irritating as hell i just want to do things not pore over the minute details of every action...
Yes I'm a workaholic when I'm busy my head is quieter you know? I'm almost always doing something at work or around the house. It was working for me my job ,going to the gym a lot , doing things around the house until I fucked my back up. I had to get epidural shots so I could walk again..Yeah 20 years of endless motion took their toll finally dammit all, now I'm happy just to be able to work and earn a living. Them the breaks I guess anyway I'm getting long-winded on this one so I'll post more later..

Merry Christmas!!!! 

white trash

Ok fine so im white trash,but when we came back to vegas we rented a house without a pool. I couldnt face a summer of 120 degree heat without some kinda pool so i bought this thing. Its 24ft long and 12ft wide ,my lease is up in november and weve decided to look for a bigger house with a real pool and jacuzzi for next year...but this summer its white trash heaven!! 

american psycho

There is an idea of a William Ellern,some kind of abstraction,but there is no real me,only an entity, something illusory,and though i can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel my flesh gripping yours and maybe you can sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I am simply not there.
Ive never heard my everyday feelings put better,funny huh?

snoozin..

Work really wears me out sometimes. You can see my head is healing alright though.Ithink the cats tryin to steal my breath though. 

My knarly melon!

Three weeks of treatment with Efudex cream ...my friggin head is pretty spotty huh?My dermatologist says on more week sigh...I gotta wear a hat all the time now or people look at me funny.It itches like crazy man!You try not scratchin yer head for a month, damn im goin nuts. 

A close call

So im drivin down the road today and some crazy bitch u-turns in front of me !I locked up my brakes ,but i was towing my work trailer and i slid for like a hundred feet!!!This obviously retarded asian woman just waved at me Goddamit!!!My fuckin heart was poundin like mad dude!I pulled up next to her at the light and whipped a water bottle at the passenger window but it didnt break.Several other people who witnessed this tard tried to run her off the road ,thank you very much.I hate heart pumps like that they make me wanna puke ya know?

Satellite Radio

Have I mentioned that I love satellite radio? Its not just Howard Stern that I listen to,its commercial-free radio!Ya know after you hear songs you already know with out the bleeps and word changes youll never listen to free radio again!I find myself listening to the comedy channels a lot too.Its definately worth the 13 bucks a month.

Actinic keratosis
Soo I had the dermatologist freeze these spots off my head and face, you know because I dont want them to turn into cancer.The process leaves really nasty blisters though..unsightly huh?Im supposed to use a cream that gets the ones you cant see after i heal up.the downside being it will turn my melon red as a cherry for a month sigh... getting old sucks. Dying sucks worse though.Stay tuned for pics of my disgusting head!! 

Back in Vegas.

Thats right boys and girls im back home!Fuck Florida anyway.New Years eve on the stripis where im 'posta be . 

i moved back to las vegas

Im sooo happy!! I couldnt take it anymore!!

hurricanes

I cant believe that mutherfucker missed us.. shit i put the shutters on my house and everything!

LOOK AT ME NOW BABY! MUCH BETTER...

APRIL 29

See this? This is my house before I perform an extreme makeover, ha ha. Soon I will show you the after...

construction is crooked

Sooo...Im pretty sure the only people who make money are the general contractors.Its funny how everything in this county is built by the lowest bidder.We get $1.60 a square foot to paint new houses,by the time you buy paint and pay your people to do the work the profit margin is really slim.Lets not even get into the punchout list the innumerable times you gotta go back and paint over every spot the other trades fucked up.The guy i work for went to the big money man and asked for more money and was told they would get someone to paint for $1.50 a foot. hell he was told someone was beggin to do them for that! Thats just crazy theres no profit in painting at that rate,makes me wonder if its true...Being a painter is all about working against idiots thats what really made me want to leave vegas too many people underbidding jobs.The fuckin dipships in the corporate office just see the numbers though,quality of work and dependability mean nothing to the number crunchers just how much money they can make per house.Dont get me wrong i love money as much as the next fuck but i want to have a quality product,you know?One of the reasons we got in to this big project was that the fuckin general found their last painter drastically cutting corners!Not priming houses, inferior products not specd out for use.Crap that'll end up in court when houses start falling apart,but the fuckers would replace us with another half-assed painter to make an extra $100 a house even though we do the job right even cutting into profit to provide a superior job....

i wish..

Iwish the hell i had a typing program my fuckin hands hurt from work...

ouch!

We went fishing today on sanibel island.I was helping this lady get a stingray off her line-and the fucker stung me! My f-in foot slipped and it got me in the ankle. It bled for awhile and stung like a muthafucker,that'll teach me to pay attention I'd make a lousy snake handler huh?

Happy again! 

We moved into our new house about a month ago. Josh has been buggin me to hook up his x-box live again, but I didnt want to run wires across the rug. I hate trippin over shit ya know? The obvious solution was a wireless network right? Lemmee tell you this is a task not for the easily confused!Many calls to tech support later this was accomplished.. 

Its raining again..

Rain sucks . It rained all day today,Trying to keep production at our housing development up is a losing battle.Finally had to send some of the guys home.Most of our work is outside.These mexican guys we employ are real workaholics,and dont like taking any time off.I guess when you're only in country for a few years ya gotta make the most of your time.

Driving in Southern Florida

1. Everybody here is a Nascar fan
2. When they get behind the wheel they hallucinate and think its the Indy 500
3. 6 inches from my bumper is proper following distance..
4. swerving around from lane to lane with a beer in your lap and a marlbro hangin out the window is the sign of a good driver
5. Road rage is a good way to express your anger at your lousy life
   
6. Go to www.newspress.com and type in road rage you'll see what i mean
   

This is my sister lori..she would probably protest that this isn't a good picture,but i've never seen a girl say any picture of themselves was any good. She came to live with me in 1994 after an awful marrage.She's a casino floorperson and was also a dealer at a major casino in vegas for years.She's a very smart girl who takes care of all the paperwork for us ,i don't know what i'd do without her.. 

About me...

Im a painter- have been for about 15 years. Ive painted houses and commercial buildings in three states now. Ive been working for a guy ,Steve Lebreck since 1997. We painted mostly elementary schools in Las vegas. Its been a really good living ,ive managed to provide for my family (lori and josh) pretty well.I guess i can't complain,nor would i want to considering i grew up with basically nothing in West Virginia. What a shithole that was..

THIS IS MY NEPHEW JOSHUA..A GOOD KID,AN HONOR STUDENT.IVE BEEN RAISING HIM SINCE HE WAS 1 YEAR OLD WHEN MY SISTER LORI MOVED IN WITH ME...MORE ON THAT LATER 

THIS IS ME FISHING.. 

FLORIDA SUCKS ASS!

DAMMIT,IVE RECENTLY MOVED TO FORT MYERS FROM LAS VEGAS.TALK ABOUT A CULTURE SHOCK..THESE PEOPLE ARE DUMB!