derealization,depersonalization

Whichever one you wanna call it,thats me.Do a wikipedia search on it.Finally i have a name for what ive been suffering with since 1986.
I was in Korea with the marine corps in 1986 and one morning i woke up feeling like i was still dreaming,like everything wasnt real. My vision was reduced to tunnel vision and it takes a real effort to concentrate on really seeing things that sucks huh?
After seeing a couple of docs and getting some strange looks I realized noone knew what the hell I was describing,so I started keeping my mouth shut and learning to cope with my new reality.Crap ..I was really scared I'd end up in an institution you know?Ive always had the feeling when you end up in one of those places they just medicate you so your easier to handle.
The first couple of year were a big adjustment period for me ,I developed a real speed problem because when i was using i felt about 80% normal like i could remember what it was like to really be connected to the real world,instead of feeling removed like I was watching a movie of my life and not really caring about the outcome. Life on amphetamines can take a big toll on you if you're not careful though,I always ate good and took vitamins, but eventually speed just made me sick every time I did it so I had to stop.Of course stopping meant i had to abandon all my tweeker friends and familiar haunts too so it was like starting my life over ,not an easy thing to do when holding on to reality meant sticking to routine and keeping up the appearance of normalcy when i always felt far from normal.
Yeah normal...shit I used to be able to remember what it was like...now its a distant memory, 20 years like this and barring a major medical breakthrough the rest of my life...sigh just gotta keep my chin up you know and keep doin what I do
Soo about 1992 I was forced to give up smoking weed because I had a series of major panic attacks,i thought i was really gonna lose it .That sucked because smoking weed gave me some relaxation from trying to keep up appearances. Its a struggle to appear normal all the time ya know?
Anyway these days I take Celexa for my anxiety and I have a bunch of Xanax just in case I get a panic attack I cant handle,Xanax isnt something you wanna get hooked on.. I know cause i researched addiction endlessly. Hell I've researched everything to death its kinda what I do lately.
Did i mention the overly analytical voice in my head?I mean it's my voice i'd probably be cooler if if was a weird voice telling me things,but no it's me constantly analyzing my mood,my body, my actions crap..it's irritating as hell i just want to do things not pore over the minute details of every action...
Yes I'm a workaholic when I'm busy my head is quieter you know? I'm almost always doing something at work or around the house. It was working for me my job ,going to the gym a lot , doing things around the house until I fucked my back up. I had to get epidural shots so I could walk again..Yeah 20 years of endless motion took their toll finally dammit all, now I'm happy just to be able to work and earn a living. Them the breaks I guess anyway I'm getting long-winded on this one so I'll post more later..